Several of you commented on yesterday’s blog about Triggers so clearly, I have triggered something! Let me explain for those who have English as a second language: The word trigger comes from the trigger of a gun. The lever you pull to fire the bullet. For those who felt I was not clear enough about what kind of triggers: When I speak of triggers, I am going to exclude the military or those in law enforcement or those who have suffered rape, or severe physical abuse. The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not to be confused with the emotional triggers of our dysfunctional upbringing! So with all due respect to those who felt my blog made light of PTSD, I wasn’t talking about PTSD. Next time I will be more specific. In any event, thanks for reading and all your comments, they are appreciated!
Monthly Archives: July 2017
Our “triggers” become embedded in our psyche at an early age. Something happens that we don’t understand and can’t find anyone to explain and so our survival instincts kick in and we “make up” a story to fit the feelings. When a similar event occurs later in life, we are “triggered” back into those survival stories from our past. Triggers can be released through therapy, but first we have to recognize that we have a trigger.
“Today I will become willing to look at my reactions to events and see if my response is reasonable or creates deeper feelings of fear or anxiety. I will then be willing to seek the help to understand and release that trigger.”
Before you buy something in the store you usually try to find out what you are buying, right? You get a referral, read about the product, look at the reviews, compare prices. Relationships are like this, too. That initial attraction is amazing, exciting, feels great, and it probably is! But over time we begin to learn about these new people and we may find they are not as much of a fit as we originally thought. So why do we get so upset when we realize that someone just doesn’t work in our lives? The loss of the dream. That first rush of connection sets our minds to dreaming of the possibilities and when it doesn’t work out it’s not the person we are sad to see go, it’s our IDEA of what that person could have been for us.
“Today I will look at the people in my life that I have had to let go of and know that the dream of what could have been with them is still possible with someone else.”
Love First is a practice which is never mastered. We evolve and grow and with that growth new challenges emerge. So be easy about all of this, as a wise teacher once told me, “You will never be DONE.”
“Today I will practice The Practice of Being Human.”
A friend called today and said that she felt misunderstood by the man she is dating and it made her worried that he wasn’t the right person for her. She has asked him to go slowly and be patient as she was just coming out of a difficult relationship. He agreed but still didn’t quite understand her boundaries, even teased her a bit. I told her to choose to look at what he WAS doing, not at whether or not he completely understood why she needed these “rules”. He respects and cares for her enough to just wait and let the relationship unfold, no pressure. How lovely, a real grownup! Looking for positive aspects is possible in all situations.
“Today if I face a challenge I will see if I can “Flip” my perspective from one of negative to positive.”
When I was growing up there was this perfume commercial where they said, “If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper.” And it’s true. The loudest voice does not always command attention. So next time you have something important to say to your partner, children, or close friends, try a soft voice.
“Today I will take a gentler approach.”
In the rush towards our goals we often forget to savor our victories. Checking our tasks off our list feels great, meeting a challenge is wonderful, but it is important to actually take the time to reflect on a job well done and enjoy these achievements.
“Today I will look back to the beginning of 2017 and acknowledge my victories, big or small.”
I remember writing a poem when I was 28 about learning how to be alone. I came from a big family and married at 19, so when I left that marriage I had never really been by myself. Silence scared me. My journey has brought me to enjoying my relationship with me and I believe that there is something necessary in being silent. So thank you for understanding the last few days of not posting I have been taking time to reflect and rest.
“Today I will find time for necessary silence to quiet my mind.”
Remember those great movies where someone sends a letter to their loved one and it never reaches them? All kinds of tragedy ensue and great loves are lost. Assuming that someone got the text, the email, got the voicemail, saw the post, is just ridiculous. Nothing beats a real conversation. It is only in having a dialogue and hearing the tone of the words that we can really comprehend the message being delivered. So try the human connection next time you have something important to say, and keep trying until you are sure the message has really been received.
“Today I will make the effort to communicate in a more human and compassionate manner.”
May you celebrate your own personal independence as the United States celebrates theirs!